I want to feel it all…

b22n

 My boy turns 16 today and as i fly away inside my head to a place that sits on the border of reality a quiet storm rises in my chest. I pause. I inhale. I feel a slight twinge of pain. He is growing up, growing up fast. It’s not been easy, i was barely twenty when i embraced him in my shaky arms, happy, terrified. My quiet, stoic heart used to roar and rage and quake. Tears would fall silently down my cheeks at random times, his first smile, the first step, the first word, his first sentence. Nowadays i find myself holding his hand and squeezing it too tightly. I find myself saying the words “I love you” too often. The joy of watching him growing up and the fear of him going out to seek a life of his own keeps punching my heart in magnifying multitudes. And i want to feel it all.

Life changes.

It evolves and morphs into new shapes with each moment that passes.. He is taller than his father, his voice has gained a new baritone, the soft sweaty hands i once smelt and kissed a zillion times now holds me firm during my weakest hours.  So as I inhale, i own that my soft, sensitive mommy-heart already witnesses my life going by too rapidly. I admit that my pointy, weighted breaths are attached to air that I don’t fully want to take in. And I promise myself to never be afraid to feel this…to embrace this growth and to taste the salt that comes with bittersweet tears. And I declare within my tender breast, I want to feel it all.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I want to feel it all…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s