“Some praise the Lord for Light, The living spark;
I thank God for the Night, The healing dark.”
Robert W. Service
Last night. I had set the timer at the coffeepot and was about to crawl into bed. The clock ticked eleven, a little early for celebrated insomniacs like me to call it a day. I pulled the window to my back patio door wide open and breathed in a few deep gulps of the crisp night air. The air seemed cleaner and sweeter than normal. I looked at the night sky….the glaze of darkness with the stars above, a cocktail of deep indigo’s…….simplicity and mystery wrapped in a blanket silently admiring the cold world with mortals like me wondering what they are doing on the other side of darkness. No sight is more provocative of awe as the night sky scattered thick with stars. As a child i used to sit in wonder watching the mesmerizing beauty of the stars at night, wanting to be one.
Under the same sky a different outlook looms as i took the time to simply breathe in that chilly, oxygen-rich air and suddenly became overwhelmed with emotion. It hit me like a brick wall and, before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. Tears of gratitude, tears of love, and even tears of sadness as I felt keenly aware of the fragility of this life.
A complete paradigm shift of emotions. It’s perplexing how sometimes we have moments like this, moments where suddenly we feel so painfully aware of all the love and joy and even suffering of this world. I have been experiencing such moments in multiplying magnitude lately, probably because i’m transitioning slowly from the person i once was to the person i am now, and as pieces of my prior self die, i feel a lovely jumbled mess of intertwining sadness and gratefulness. Sadness only because it’s impossible to erase the feelings i once felt, and gratefulness because all of the waiting, waiting, waiting is over. Mostly.
Let’s talk about waiting. Does it really get over at some point, any point….? All of my “adult” life up until this point i have felt like i was waiting and yearning for something. In high school, i wanted desperately to be graduated and breathe the air in college. I would stare at the clock through every class and simply could not wait to go home, or to work, or to be anywhere but there. In college, i counted down the years and months and days til I received my degree and could be done with THAT scene, too. It felt like the day would never come. During my years in academics, i met my husband and i counted down every day till i would see him again; and when we would be with each other, i counted down the hours till we’d be apart. Then i waited for our wedding. Marriage happened pretty soon and i conceived even sooner. Then i waited for nine months to see my bundle of joy, my flesh and blood infront of my eyes. Then the wait period of him growing up started. From his first smile to his first step, his first day in school, his first stage performance, his first lie, his first love and his first heartbreak….did i not wait for every single moment to happen! Yes i did. He is fifteen now and doesn’t need me as much, as such. The waiting has lessened. Friends are aging along with me and are busy in their lives. Loved ones, some gone, few left. Am i sad? Maybe i am. I guess it’s going to have to hurt, i guess i’m going to have to cry….. let go of some things i’ve loved to get to the other side. I guess it’s going to break me down, like falling when you try to fly. And i know i’ll be alright with whatever i have, here and now.
I often imagine finding myself in a new place where there is no longer waiting. Of course, there would always be little things to count down to, but at some point, i really hope to escape those places in my life where I simply did not want to be. The night sky and the cool breeze in many ways took me to a place where i belong, and it is such a perfectly peaceful and simultaneously terrifying place to find myself! When all of that busyness and waiting subsides, you have a lot more time to think about what you want your life to mean. And I realize that many, or even most people don’t find themselves at this point as young as I have, but we are all on our individual journey and it doesn’t matter what pace you travel, as long as you are moving.
I conclude with a quote from Rhonda Byrne’s ”The Secret”,
”Sometimes, for a while, you have to live like most won’t in order to have what most never will. Few people are willing to sacrifice today for the person they will be tomorrow. Later, you will thank your younger self for having the patience to wait.
Sometimes, for a while, you’ll feel lonely and afraid of what the future holds. But never settle for second best because you’re afraid you’ll never find what you’d love most. You WILL find it, but…
Be aware every moment of what you are beckoning into your life through your every thought and action. The law of attraction is very, very real, and very, very simple.”
Raze the old. Raise the new.