”I hate this shirt.”
My son takes the grey polo shirt, rolls it up in a ball and drops it.
“What do you mean you hate it? It’s a perfectly nice shirt. I just bought it for your match. Please put it on and don’t say hate.”
“I don’t want to wear it.”
“Just put it on. We’re late.”
“I don’t like it!”
“Put it on!”
My husband hears this and enters the room. “Hey Bud, let’s go check out your shirts.” he says and leads our boy up to his bedroom. He lays out some clothes and they feel the textures. They talk about the change of season and joke about frozen knees. Then, he allows our boy a choice between three appropriate shirts. Meanwhile i search and find my corner….fighting back tears.
Then there was silence. I now witness a twit in my head. The twit is the voice that prattles on about things stupid and untrue.
” You suck as a mom.”
” You can’t write a single word today because you are so doomed to cry your day out.”
” You’re an idiot because you always mess up.”
” Stop trying because you know you’re just going to give up anyway.”
” It is all LIES! ”
” Just crap.”
” You never can.”
SHUT UP! PLEASE!
When you hear it, just say, “Shut up. Please.” Just like i did. Because mom was right, Please is the magic word.
It’s been a crazy morning, agreed. But i can’t dull my instincts because of this and let it camouflage my soul. I have a busy day ahead, i have a writing workshop to attend, i have a much awaited appointment with a piano teacher and i have my yoga classes to go to in the afternoon. Shit happens. But let’s not enter the fog of regression and escapism. Life is looking out for us. If we tone ourselves down life won’t hear us.
So let’s live out loud and send up a flare. If you want to do music, do it. If you have always dreamed of writing, go and write. Blurt stuff out, send the letter, wear that shirt, dance!, make the song, run a mile, bake a cake, paint a picture. meditate with your eyes open, do what it takes to feel the way you most want to feel. Make a joyful noise. Jump up and down. Love out loud and say, “Life! I’m here, right over here!”
” Mom i’m ready! “
I grabbed his lunch box and ran towards the car. “I’m sorry we had a fight,” i said.
He responded, “What fight?”.
I laughed and handed him the warm muffin.
“Here eat this and fill up your tummy for school.”
My son opened the napkin, groaned, and said, ” I hate blueberry muffins.”
My mind instantly does this,