Long time huh!
Warning to all readers (or some of the readers … or readers who are picky at least), this post is sure to be full of errors, both spelling and grammatical.
Firstly because I’m typing on my iPad using PAGES and for some reason there is no autocorrect. Or if there is autocorrect I don’t know how to turn it on. Or even if it exists … but NO matter.
Secondly, because i’m really, really tired from a) the weekend and b) never-ending paperworks and C) son’s exams and d) did you notice that C was capitalized??? I don’t know why and e) i’ve been nice for days and i really need to be NOT NICE!
Past few weeks have been amusing,troubling….bizarre! I am usually an excellent character ( atleast i think i am ), purely female in my brain chemistry, easy-going, fun-loving, forgiving…anybody screws up and i’m always like ”its alright” types ( you must possess high karma points to be getting that from me though ). And that’s half of what i am. The other half is uncanny, mysterious, preternatural, eerie…all of which means the same thing ”WEIRD”! Well, a lot of performance goes on in everyday life…..we are all living in an age of performers, ain’t we? So,don’t you dare single me out!
In the past disappearing weeks i kind of entered a shell, got little impulsive and reckless, drank a lot of wine, did a bit of psychological profiling….MRI SCANS of few things to be precise. Will share one at a time. First i decided to do a little ”then and now” exercise in regard to my writing….just for the heck of it,maybe to see how far i have come. I went through my old pages…and there i was surprised…humbled!
The choice of words were effing horrible, the compositions lacked finesse and the required adroitness. The style had no panache and virtuosity. I basically had no clue what i was doing. And this was not very long ago. The funny thing, though, is that I received so much praise and encouragement from family on those first articles. I remember setting up a slideshow to show off my first articles with my gracious family members,friends, and they all ooh-ed and ahh-ed and told me how beautiful the articles were and how much potential I had. I was absolutely beaming and so proud of myself. And now I look back at those pieces and basically want to scratch my eyeballs out.
But like I said, it’s so, so humbling. It’s easy to forget our beginnings. It’s easy to forget that we all start somewhere, and it’s not at a place of perfection. It’s a place of amateur fumbling, guessing, making all the wrong choices, making mistakes, displaying our weaknesses. And constantly pushing to learn, grow, and get better. That’s the key.
I am so guilty of judging beginners too harshly, and this little “exercise” pushed me right back in my place. If friends and family had been completely honest with me instead of so damn encouraging, I would probably not be where I am today. I would have shriveled up into a little ball of shame and embarrassment and lack of confidence in my amateur abilities, and I never would have grown. But the wonderful, kind, uplifting people in my life saw a glimmer of talent in me, and more importantly passion for the work, and they grasped on to that and propelled me forward with their kindness and words of affirmation.
And we all need to do the same. When someone in our life is just beginning something, even if we know better and know they suck right now, it’s our job to lift them up, not tear them down. Because everyone starts somewhere, and it’s not always very pretty. In two more years, I bet I’ll look back at my work now and notice all the flaws, the things I hadn’t learned yet, the things I could have done better. But right now, wherever we are in our journey, it’s important to be proud of what we’re doing, how far we’ve come, and how much we’ve learned. Your only real competitor is the person you used to be.