Breathe….life is good…..

BLUE2blog

I have re-written this post about five times now.. Trying to figure out how and where to start. Sometimes posts from the heart are so easy to write and other times it takes time. It takes time to just quiet your mind and everything around you and let your heart speak. Today is definitely one of those.

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind lately. Plans for our future. Goals for our family. Reasons why I blog. I’ve just been feeling unsettled. I keep coming back to this idea of a “simple life” but I am not quite sure what that is yet. I know I feel most at peace when I am away from my phone, this computer, enjoying life with my family. We sat the other night in the darkness and calmness of the hills, in front of the warmth and crackle of a fire. We were hand in hand talking about our day and being all together as one and I thought, “how do I take this home with me?” I don’t want to leave this moment. It felt simple. It felt real. It felt like what I have been longing for. I don’t think the answer though is to sell everything, swear off technology and move to the woods. It sounds appealing but a little unrealistic for us. So how DO you find this simpleness right where you’re at? I don’t have the answer yet, but I do have some thoughts on how I hope to work towards that. I’ve been pulling away a bit from social media. I see the fun in it, I do, but at this stage in life I just don’t need the distraction. I’ve cleared out my Feedly account as well. Left only who is uplifting, inspiring and who I truly love. And really, this is where the internet can shine in my opinion. I love reading blogs with heart, worth and something to say. I have been reading books, Notes from a Blue Bike: The Art of Living Intentionally in a Chaotic World by Tsh Oxenreider, my last read, wonderful, it really stands out. I love what she has to say so far.

“Living slower requires living with intention. And to live with intention means to make little daily choices that resonate deeply in our souls-that make sense deep in our being and ring true.”

I want to live with intention and i don’t want to waste moments. I don’t want to be jealous of what others have or achieved. I don’t want to multitask my way to the top while pushing everything else that matters to the side. I want to be present in the tiny moments with myself and my family. Being who and what i am today and now is precious, priceless. So today, i shall swing on a swing and won’t count down the minutes till i have to leave to my next thing. I won’t check my phone and worry about my blog stats. I won’t think about the unread messages in my inbox, they can wait.  I’ll watch the guys play, see them talk their talk and not wanting to know what their guy discussion is all about. I shall not think about the past. I shall not worry my future. I am Arunima, i am 37 and i am alive. That’s enough. Should be.

The breeze feels warm now and fills my heart with gratitude. I pray that God helps me find my way and lead us into more of this simple moments. I think i should start with thankfulness for all i have, today and now, the moments i am living now and the ones i walked out of, thanking the ones who loved for pushing me forward, thanking the ones who caused pain for teaching the lessons i would not have learnt otherwise. Blessings and lessons.

So. I don’t really have an ending to this post. It was more like a stream of conscience of what i’ve been thinking about/working on lately. My boy is going to have a sleepover with his grandparents this weekend and hub and i have big plans of cleaning out/simplifying the house. Garage sale here we come!

Advertisements

Perhaps that’s why i am here…

blog3

Hello everybody!

Welcome to this little corner of the internet i call my ‘home’. Go ahead and grab yourself a cup o’ joe or earl grey, if coffee isn’t your thing. Get comfy in your favorite pair of warm flannel pajamas, and find yourself a cozy little spot on your couch to curl up on. We are just about to get started.

It’s been few months that i have been into blogging and many a times i wonder why. Why exactly i am here? Mrs.India World happened in 2004 and with it came the passage to a new world of glitz and glamour. Without even realising i was already walking the crystal path many would dream to tread. Life was beautiful but was it beautiful enough? Was i happy enough? I gradually realised that as i marched ahead in this new phase of my life, the phase that i knew was logical for me, and the career i was told i am made for, i was letting go of the things that once moved me. I was letting go of the first thing i ever fell in love with… the first thing that ever made me feel understood. Words. When nothing else was there, words were. Books were. A pen and paper were. And perhaps that’s why i am here.

I believe that some of us are born with the propensity to feel just a little more and take on just a little more than the average person…the chosen ones. I’ve always had an innate ability to feel too much. I’ve always felt connected, on a deeper level, to strangers passing by, to characters in stories, to writers dead and gone. In my ability to trace the cuts and feel the burns and absorb the bruises from this sometimes unpleasant world, i’ve been able to dig deeper and pull out the bits and pieces that make the struggle all worth it – that make life beautiful. And i have to share the stories that could turn the light on in darkness. To echo the truth that despite the ugly, life can still be beautiful. And perhaps that’s why i’m here.

In the past few years i struggled with the battle of want and need, of logic and desire, of head versus heart. I was torn between a life i dreamed of as a little girl – a life that required me to take the road less traveled – to pursue a life of art and quiet beauty and words, over a life that fell on my lap without my wish. And after much deliberation and discomfort i found my way out. I found my calling. And perhaps that’s why i am here.

I’m here because i have a deep affinity for the written word, and the way words, when stitched together just right, give birth to powerful, potentially life changing stories. I’m here because words are universal. And healing. And profound. And beautiful. I’m here because the un-shared thoughts caged in my head and the untold stories sitting in the dusty corners of my heart are begging for freedom. I’m here because i want to share my stories, and i want them to become your stories. This is where i bare it all. But this isn’t only about me. These words are my own, but they’re yours for the taking. This is about us, gathering the jagged pieces of our broken lives, and putting them back together. This is about us, connecting the dots and finding our way. This is about my words becoming your truth. This not about me, nor is it about you. This is about us.

And perhaps that’s why i am here.

If you really knew me….

blog 1

If you really knew me…..

you would know that your morning hug is a tonic…it heals me in ways i can’t script in words.

you would know how much i love seeing you in the kitchen.

you would know i am not lazy, i just enjoy doing nothing.

you would know i hate mondays..actually any day when i have to go out and work.

you would know i can’t bear the pain any longer when i say ” i am not feeling well ”.

you would know i miss my mother and i cry for her every night.

you would know i keep staring at my phone waiting for my father to call.

you would know i still believe my dad and mom are alive and they would come back to me.

you would know i love silence.

you would know i feel insecure and stupid most of times.

you would know i don’t like gifts, a kiss on my cheek does the trick.

you would know i love touching your palms, they are so soft.

you would know i get scared when i offend you.

you would know i do mistakes knowing you would always forgive.

you would know i have to sleep with at least one foot outside the covers.

you would know i often sleep with a pillow or blanket over my face, with a small air hole, of course.

you would know i am a shy person. Very shy.

you would know your simplest of compliment makes my day.

you would know i keep looking at you to look at me and say ‘ love you”.

you would know weather affects my moods, big time. And so does too much caffeine. And not enough. And stupid people. And… yeah. I can be kind of a moody person.

Yes, you would know all of these and so much more.

I want to feel it all…

b22n

 My boy turns 16 today and as i fly away inside my head to a place that sits on the border of reality a quiet storm rises in my chest. I pause. I inhale. I feel a slight twinge of pain. He is growing up, growing up fast. It’s not been easy, i was barely twenty when i embraced him in my shaky arms, happy, terrified. My quiet, stoic heart used to roar and rage and quake. Tears would fall silently down my cheeks at random times, his first smile, the first step, the first word, his first sentence. Nowadays i find myself holding his hand and squeezing it too tightly. I find myself saying the words “I love you” too often. The joy of watching him growing up and the fear of him going out to seek a life of his own keeps punching my heart in magnifying multitudes. And i want to feel it all.

Life changes.

It evolves and morphs into new shapes with each moment that passes.. He is taller than his father, his voice has gained a new baritone, the soft sweaty hands i once smelt and kissed a zillion times now holds me firm during my weakest hours.  So as I inhale, i own that my soft, sensitive mommy-heart already witnesses my life going by too rapidly. I admit that my pointy, weighted breaths are attached to air that I don’t fully want to take in. And I promise myself to never be afraid to feel this…to embrace this growth and to taste the salt that comes with bittersweet tears. And I declare within my tender breast, I want to feel it all.

Am i? I am.

thinkingman4

Am i a creative person? Do i have that thing in me? And if i don’t can it be learned? Questions gallore as i see blank sheets infront of me. Did i not tell my hubby how much i hate this pen! Its fat and uncomfortable and …………shut up lady! No excuses. Well, coming back to creativity i once read somewhere that creativity is a muscle we all have but some use it more than others. It’s like we all don’t have abs like Maria Sharapova but, we all have abs. The book points out 10 things super creative people do to build up their super creative strength.

1. They observe everything.

Self Analysis: Well, i am a good observer, you can forever see me joting down notes feverishly on my observations. Not only that, i take inspiration from what i observe and turn it into something new. So you see, i am not the goof-off or day-dreamer that i am made out to be.

2. Spend time alone.

Self Analysis: My corner, see, how much i love being there while the world tags me a loner. So dont you dare write me off as a solitudinarian anymore. The distractions of life aren’t really supportive of innovative inspiration. A fertile imagination can only blossom into something new in solitude.

3. Take risks.

Self Analysis: Making something from nothing as i am doing now is a risk. Showing it to the world is a whole other enchilada. It’s not for the faint of heart either. I am taking risks. I am pouring my heart out in my blog, my fears and insecurities, i might be damned and ridiculed. I am being brave.

4. Turn ‘failures’ into learning experiences.

Self Analysis: Albert Einstein once said, “Failure is success in progress.” I absolutely volunteer for it. I even have a poster of the quote hanging on my wall. I fail everyday. And i turn the other way round. And hit a wall or pillar. Happens. Lesson learned.

5. Ask questions.

Self Analysis: I ask a lot of questions, don’t even go there. Curiosity may have killed the cat but i need to know more. I dig deep, ask and ask till the world shuts me off for a moron. I know i am in the block list of a considerable amount of people walking the earth. Like i care.

6. Follow their passion.

Self Analysis: I fail a lot. Many a times hours go by without me being able to write a single sentence. Then there is lack of encouragement and positive feedback from the expected ones. But none of these can lock my passion. Watch out, i shall keep going while you give up.

7. Make connections.

Self Analysis: Networking? Well i am on facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr. Yeah! If that’s what you mean.

8. Push boundaries.

Self Analysis: I see possibilities where others see roadblocks. It’s reverse at times. Let’s not count those instances. It can be ignored. Usually i have the ability to look past all the naysayers, the challenges, and impossible odds to the end goal. I get bored very easily. I can’t do the same thing over and over again. The mundane, mediocre, and monotonous is like a living hell to me, i like shaking things up and make life more interesting and exciting.

9. Admit they don’t know everything.

Self Analysis: See i know i am way outside the realm of expertise and i admit it. I am open to the wisdom of those who have gone before me and ask for help when i need it. Aristotle once said, “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” Agreed. Period.

10. Keep Creating…Even When They Don’t Get External Affirmation of The Work.

Self Analysis: I can’t help but keep creating, i fall, i fail, i pick myself up and i go back to my table and try writing again. It’s like breathing to me. Recently i got a ‘not so’ positive feedback from the editor of a famed daily and although i wanted to slap the fatty and put dogs after her, i kept my calm, came home, had some wine and was ready with my pen and paper.

DONE!

aKiOoI am still staring at the blank sheet. Yet to drop a word. Did i not tell there is something wrong with this pen!