Take it Easy………

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“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
 Dr. Seuss

I know i am not a perfectionist,never been. I can tolerate messes. I am not overtly critical of myself or others though i dint like the way i looked in school,i had eating disorders back then and there were times i seriously thought of plastic surgery. I’ve always blamed the whole world for this. Biology, culture, misogyny, TV, advertising, ancient history, patriarchy, agricultural development,school, work, horizontal social groups in childhood that emphasize peers over mentors, the human tendency to instinctively dichotomize, our cocky refusal to admit how many problems remain even after women were finally admitted to Harvard, and so much more. Looking beautiful was most important and the messages would come absolutely from everywhere,like from every damn corner. Guys were not spared,they had to look tall….they must look tall to be successful,that was practically a law. That stuff about CEO’s,tall and fit. Sitting here i think of my uncle under such circumstances back then, who was admittedly not the CEO of a fortune 500 company, but who has been successfully running a business for close to forty years. He is short and fat and didn’t go to college. He should probably be a failure. According to some study.

I am baking a cake as i write this post and i’m having a nagging feeling that it just might turn out looking muddy,ghastly. Nevermind. We will see. So,coming back to me again,well i am kynda alright u know…i procrastinate but not excessively, i notice details but not obsessively. So, while i am not swimming in the deep and very difficult waters of perfectionism, i  am aware of some discomfort at the shallow end. I have a sense of not being so comfortable with myself, even when things, for a change, are going well.  A tugging at the self, a message whispered, There is more to do.  In order to silence the message, that i am barely aware exist, i might have that extra drink or too much TV or just be aware of not being as happy as a pleasant day or evening would warrant. Could it be that i am suffering from SUP? (Don’t look it up cause I made it up)  SUP stands for slightly under performing.  Unlike the perfectionist, this has little to do with what others think of me.  It’s an ongoing self-examination, an anxious drip, drip drip: you’re letting-yourself-down, you are not living up to your full potential, whatever that might be. And, really, could anyone ever know their full potential?  Isn’t there always more? Feelings like that just get in. Stick in. They stay. And they trap us on our surfaces, agonizing over details, fretting, pinching, shaming ourselves. Not that i let others see this side of me. This world know me as a positive,glass half- full kynda person….the ”eternally happy ones”. And usually i am.

Recently, I was at a large dinner event with one of the associations that I am involved with and received a most unusual compliment. This acquaintance of mine asked me, “Have you gained some weight? … because you look fantastic!”  Really? You point out to me
that I have gained some weight (which I have), and then tell me I look fantastic? I guess it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I wasn’t currently kind of sensitive to this whole weight gain thing, but I am kind of sensitive to it at the moment, and so the comment really took me for a loop.

So,we come back to our initial topic, ‘beauty matters’, weight gain surely is an issue. But how much and how serious an issue it should be?  Sometimes it matters so much that people stop eating in order to force their bodies to change. Sometimes it matters just enough to feel occasionally disgusted by your own flesh. I look at myself in the mirror and see the old face i once thought was imperfect which now people acknowledge as beautiful, i see my body rearranging itself after marriage and kids. And i feel there is enough reason for a celebration. As my cake is getting the last minute toss in the oven,my brain enters a frame of acceptance and happiness. Probably i do look just fine (maybe not fantastic), and that I need to relax, and enjoy life. The weight will come off, that I know …but if I stress about it, it will be just that much harder to lose.

Which brings me back to my original thought … life is much too short to be unhappy, and definitely too short to worry about something as insignificant as a few extra pounds, and I really need to be happy with ME, before I can make any progress towards losing weight. Goals are good. Some of life’s best days are those spent in working towards goals.  But goals have their place.  There should also be goal-free time. Time when the message is not try harder but rather, stop trying… leave space  for other meanings and purposes in life to occur.

The baby is out of the oven and all i gotta do now is ”EAT THE DAMN CAKE” !!

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Let the healing happen in closed encounters….

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Sometimes, you cry in a stranger’s arms precisely because they are a stranger.You let your secrets be witnessed because the witnesses are outside of your every day reality.You get spiritually naked because it’s a moment that’s only ever going to be a moment.You dance like no one is watching because they won’t see you again.
One night stands….sexual, spiritual, emotional….can serve a divine purpose.

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I was in Shillong with a friend, we were drinking margaritas at an outdoor cafe. “A smoke would go good with this tequila,” she said. So I asked the woman at the table next to me if we could bum one. She and her husband had been chain smoking for the past hour, so at that point I was also thinking, If you can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em.

“How goes the holiday?” I asked. And, dazed-but-factly, she said, “We had a baby last week, he died mysteriously after birth.” The husband lit another smoke, “We’re here to numb out.” That horrible truth-sharing sealed us. We sat in silence…but not the silence of shock, the silence of unity. The sun was going down.

“What did you name the baby?” I asked. I wanted to make it real, not flinch and create distance with sympathetic formalness like, I’m sorry for your loss. She told me what they named him. Without us asking, more poured out. The colour they painted his room. How the hospital nurses cried when he passed over, “Which is surprising because nurses never cry, you know.”

And then I did it. To be polite, to be attentive and social….I gave them my phone number as we parted. It seemed like the compassionate thing to do. But actually, it felt gross. The more conscious act would have been to leave gracefully..let it be the interlude it was meant to be. Instead, I breached the sacred container.

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This kind of over-stepping happens a lot after personal development workshops. People share, and weep, and move in profound ways and naturally, the group bonds in that intimacy. Then the workshop wraps and half of the room wants to be friends for life, and the other half can’t wait to get in their rental cars and peel outta there. And too often — out of social decorum — and the genuine high of connection, somebody says it, “Let’s keep in touch!” Or worse, someone wants to set up a fucking Facebook group so everyone can keep in touch every day forever and ever.

Healing happens in protected space. Sometimes that protection comes from fleeting encounters.
So let it be fleeting….it takes a kind of courage to pass in the night, exchange sorrows and float away. Bless it instead of anchoring it to obligation. Something sacred just happened, allow it to be just that…

Courtesy: Danielle Laporte

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I wish you well….. ummmmmm….seriously!?!

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We have all been hurt. Taken for granted. Screwed over. Unseen.

Damage done, but okay. Everyone did their best. Onward. I wish them well. And even though you’d never commune or collaborate with that person ever again, you really mean it.

But how deep does your well wishing run?

Your secret inner dialogue might run something like this:

I hope you’re happy…but not happier than me because that would seem unfair…i mean,i do a lot of personal work and i took the high road on this one..

I wish you success… but not such huge success that you’d forget how valuable I was to your life/business/project, and how much of a ponce/loser/ingrate you were to me in the end. So be successful, but don’t become so wildly successful that I might actually envy you someday.

Even tho’ you broke my heart, I really hope you find true love — but not more blissed-out than you were with me, and certainly not more ecstatic than what I want to be with my next love.
Of course I want you to be happy. But don’t ever forget how much of a jerk you were to me, because I can forgive you, but if you forgive you than you’d be missing a real opportunity for personal growth. Buster!

I remember ma saying,” Wish someone well as if you had the power to make their greatest dreams come true. Wish someone the very same happiness, freedoms, and fulfillment that you’re wishing for yourself. Cast your wishes like you have an unlimited supply of magic to bestow. There’s more where that came from.”

Well,this kind of loving can be excruciating. You might have to face your own sadness and empty places as you wish for another’s sadness and emptiness to be lifted. You will have to acknowledge your interconnectedness, which is particularly difficult when you are moving on. You will have to face your disappointment head on — and what you see might burn your eyes.

And baby, you gotta train hard for this kind of loving, because on the other side is where real freedom lives. Where love flows — endlessly.

If you wish.

Special thanks to Danielle and Jessica.

Getcha swagger back!!!

”The first step to getting anywhere is deciding you’re no longer willing to stay where you are…..sometimes you just gotta let go….”

For better or worse, I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks. Whether it’s a relationship that seemed to have great potential or a supposedly “casual” affair where feelings weren’t meant to grow and get hurt, it’s nearly impossible not to feel a sense of loss and a need to rebuild a life that doesn’t include the last object of affection after something comes to an end.

For better or worse, I’ve also gotten really good at bouncing back. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had a lot of practice or it’s because I just hate conceding to defeat. It could very well be that I’ve been through some terrible things so everything else pales in comparison. For whatever reason, I tend to bounce back rather than break. And because of this, I get a lot of people asking me how I do it. It’s not that I have a heart of stone; what I do have is the ability to laugh in the face of … well, pretty much everything. While my checklist probably won’t single handedly patch you up, it will hopefully at least get you to crack a smile through the pain.

Without further ado, here are my top tips for beginning to unbreak that heart.

1. DON’T listen to ‘Unbreak my Heart’. For the love of God, please keep this and other wrist-slitting music off your iPod. Same goes for ‘Against All Odds’, ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ and anything by Céline Dion. Music that lets you wallow in misery and desperation are only allowed in your life when singing karaoke. And if you start crying while singing karaoke, I beg you to PUT. THE. MICROPHONE. DOWN.

2. DO flood your ears with fighting words. Lines like “Don’t wanna be aaaaall byyyyy myyyyyseeeeeelf … ” should be nowhere near your eardrums. What you want to be listening to are songs that are more along the lines of:

“Been there, done that, messed around,
I’m having fun, don’t put me down,
I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet.”
– La Roux, Bulletproof

“It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back
So shake it out.”
– Florence + the Machine, Shake It Out

“I guess I got my swagger back”
– Jay-Z, Otis

3. DO watch ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. This will save you several hours of mulling over what you could have done differently and what he really meant when he said such and such. This movie tells it like it is: If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. Words to live by right there. Also, it’s just really funny.

4. But DON’T watch the movie until the very end. For the purposes of this exercise, we would like to keep you from falling into the trap of thinking that you’re the exception and not the rule.

5. DO bring sexy back. Spend all this marvelous new free time doing something that makes you feel like the sexiest woman alive, whether it’s poledancing, buying atrociously provocative lingerie or baking a molten chocolate cake in aforementioned provocative lingerie. Feel free to feel smug about all this sexiness that damn fool is missing.

6. DON’T replace one failed relationship with another. It’s tempting and it seems to make moving on easier but seriously, DON’T DO IT. First, it’s terribly unfair to the other person. Second, nobody needs to watch He’s Just Not That Into You six times in one year #truestory

7. DO get an endorphin rush. Are you losing sleep because your mind won’t shut up about the would’ve could’ve should’ves? Do you feel bogged down with seemingly unshakeable sadness? Put on your workout clothes and go for a run. Take a yoga class. Get your ass kicked at krav maga. Just get yourself all sweaty and exhausted to the bone. The endorphin rush you’ll get afterwards will act as an antidepressant and the exhaustion, an all-natural sleeping pill. Plus, you’ll be one step closer to getting that much hotter. Revenge is a dish best served looking smoking hot, as far as I’m concerned.

8. DON’T give up. It may not have worked out this time but at least you’ve sifted out one more guy from that sea of men obscuring the guy who will love you for both your lovely bits and your creepy quirks. One of these days you’ll find each other. In the meantime, get happy and get hot so you won’t scare him off when he finally does show up!

Happiness and Peace!!

 

The Quieter Truth..

“I believe there is worth in suffering alone to find clarity, but I also believe there are endless roads to wisdom.”
Mandy Lamb

It was an unusually quiet morning as i sip my coffee in my cabin trying to dig deep into the above stated quieter truth stated by mandy. There was this picture infront of me,an island standing out to sea, wearing America’s age of sail as a flag of defiance. A chart takes a small part of the vast expanse of the sea that surrounds it and shows what lies beneath the calms and tempests that roam through. Some photographs, like soundings,indeed bring you to the world of wood and steel and salt and snow taking you a little farther off the shores of the here and now to a time that was, is and will be.

The peace is broken and in comes my friend. When I started writing this I was listening to my friend tell me about,yet another questionable relationship he’d gotten himself into. Once again, he was telling me that a woman he was dating turned out NOT to be who she originally claimed to be. God had given him signs; little
“happenings” here and there that were intended to slow him down and
prove that the relationship might not be what God had for him, but he
longs for a mate so bad that he ignored the signs and kept pressing
forward…again. So there we were, having a conversation about how he is
disappointed in another relationship that’s gone “bad.”

As I began to reflect on some of my own past relationships, I was
reminded of something dad had asked me several years ago, “What is it
on the inside of you that makes you susceptible to these types of
relationships? What is the root? What is it that makes YOU put YOU in
these situations?” What I came to realize about myself was humbling…

I was desperate..

I was so desperate to have the person in my life that I was compromising.I was
clinging to relationships I KNEW were not ultimately what I wanted
because I was trying to fill a void. Little did I know, that void
could only be filled by surrendering that part of my life to God, and
facing things about myself that I had been running from; things that
made me vulnerable in this area. If you feel there is a void in your
life, whatever you are turning to in order to fill it is a cheap
imitation of what God would do if you turned to Him. Desperation for
things or people will only leave you disappointed. The only thing we
should be desperate for is an intimate relationship with God.

As far as relationships, I have learned that when a man/woman causes
you to act out of character (degrade not upgrade); do things you would
usually oppose; and/or neglect your purpose/calling, then that
relationship is not the will of God.

You can sit around and talk about the other person’s faults and wrong
doings all day long, but until you get down to the root of why YOU
keep subjecting yourself to relationships that are not good for you,
you ain’t talking about nothing. Don’t be desperate…be destined!

My friend didn’t like what i said,chose to leave. I looked at the table,the photo of the island was still looking at me,as if asking me to explore the place considered lost or never found and bringing back the maps of their quieter truths.

Grace and Peace!
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