I was at peace.Wherever I was, I was happy.I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn’t mean anything, nothing had form but I was still me… And I was warm and I was loved and I was finished…. Complete….I didn’t understand about theology or dimensions, or any of it,but I think I was in heaven….and then came the deaths…people died,relationships ended…i saw struggle!
Struggle? What is struggle? I dont really know but today i somehow think struggle is amazing. I think it’s funny as well because I’m so neurotic that I can’t live my life without it now.There are times i just want to relax,but i simply cant because I find pleasure in the struggle…why so? Two things. One is that in struggle you know you’re alive. When you’re struggling “you feel”. You’re going to feel something and you may not necessarily label it as a pleasurable feeling, but at least it’s a fucking feeling. It might be anxiety, maybe even depression, you can’t breath.. your heart hurts and you’re going through hell essentially.
But guess what,hell is pretty cool because you feel that fucking fire! It’s fun, you’re alive, you’ve got a charge in your body, you’re getting up, you’re doing things! If you look at the ancient pictures of Heaven and Hell, you’ve got Hell where people are jumping on each other and screaming and there are animals coming up out of the fire and wrapping themselves around people. It just looks like so much is going on, there’s so much excitement, there’s so much activity, there is so much charge that it’s like, “Boy, that’s quite a riot going on in there!”
Then you look at Heaven and everybody’s sitting and chairs and everybody’s lifting their heads and they’re all just staring at something. There’s not much really going on.That’s how suffering entices me.At least I’m going to feel something and I’m not going to judge if it’s right or wrong or if I should or I shouldn’t, but I know what I am attracted to; I’m attracted to hell if you will, because I know that I’m alive when I feel it.
Wise men said as long as we’re living on this planet, as long as we’re living life in the flesh, there is always a dance….a dance between seasons. There are seasons of pain and struggle, frustration and heat and we call that summertime…..but every time we get through a summer we know that there’s another season coming and in that season,all that we had experienced in the hot season will cool off and actually even serve us and be helpful to us in the colder season.
In other words,all that we encounter during the day,the struggles and the sweat,the blood and the backbreaking work, allows us to rest deeply and grow, become anabolic and stronger at night. Afterall,we’ve got to be catabolic before we can become anabolic,isn’t it?
So,my struggle continues…and i am alright…